Hectic Life...

Hello All...

I really should be doing homework right now, but I've decided to do a blog update instead. I want to update everyone on NCU and Minneapolis.

Wow, where to begin? I'll begin with my roomie, Jackie. I just love Jackie. We get along and have learned to communicate, but we are still learning each other. We laugh, cook, and co-exist together. In my opinion, we work. =) The only thing is, she doesn't like chocolate. It is a sad thing I know. I make brownies, and she doesn't like them. I buy delicious raspberry chocolate coffee, and she doesn't like it. =( Its okay though, I still love her!

Friends. I have made a few friends so far. There are these two hilarious girls that live across the hall. Jess & Danielle. They are two of the craziest people ever, but I am looking forward to getting to know them more. We have fun together and laugh, which is great, but as you all know me I can't stay on the surface too long because I get bored. There so much more under the surface and it helps you understand the surface. Any who! =)

Work, aka Target is interesting. It is a very simple job, clock in clock out sort of thing. I don't love it, I don't hate it. It is bearable. I am meeting alot of interesting people and am loving them already. Before beginning this job I prayed that God would give me divine opportunites with the people I would be working with. I am still learning the job and the people, but really I am looking for opportunities to love me some people. =) A paycheck doesn't hurt either.

Classes. Classes are stressful. I love learning, but I don't like all the reading. It is really wearing on me. I hate always having to be doing something. As I said before, right now I should be working on my homework, but I am revolting against it. Well, at least for the next 10 minutes. Then the revolt will be over and I will give in and do the wretched homework. A cool thing about my classes are that somehow in the unique way God schemes everything, my classes all tie together. They are in small ways, but they do. Now this is a good thing, but also a bad thing. A good thing because it helps me to focus and understand if everything is working together, the bad thing is I can't keep one straight from the other. I wish my life could go back to being somewhat easy dealing with children and helping them with their problems. I miss that life. I miss the kids and students. I miss my family. I miss my friends.

Right now I am really learning to trust in the Lord, once again. I really need to trust Him through all of this. I could have gone anywhere to finish my degree, but God wanted me to go back to NCU. Today during chapel, once again, I had to give over all my stress from classes and time management to the Lord. I am constantly surrendering myself to God. During worship today I was able to remove all my frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, and focus on God. The song "Hosanna" was played and the bridge caught me (as it always does).

Heal my heart and make it clean.

Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours.

Everything I am for kingdom's cause.

As I walk from earth into Eternity.

I was reminded to take my eyes off myself and my frustrations, my worries, my exhuastion and turn them to God. I know God's ways are bigger than I could ever know. I am being reminded of that daily. Another song that was played was Misty Edwards "Favorite One"

Jesus, here I am your favorite one.

What are thinking what are feeling?

I have to know.

For I am after your heart

I'm after your heart

I'm after You.

Usually while worshipping during this song I am searching for God's guidance on my future. This time all I wanted was to know was God. I felt God's presence come over me and I knew He was near. My only desire is to know God. I want to walk in His perfect will, but more importantly I want to KNOW God.

I see how God is working in my life. See, He has stripped me of everything I have known for the past three years, everything I love, so I will be in a vulnerable place. And trust me, I am very vulnerable to God right now. So I guess I am asking, if anyone even reads this to please be praying. Pray for divine appointments every where I go, but specifically at work. Please pray that this chapter in my life will be blessed by God and I will trust Him more and more. Please pray that I will manage my time better. I will be praying for you! Praying blessings and joy!

I must be off because I've got that homework to do. =)

an update and a half...

It's now July 12, it has been about a month since my last blog. A ton of updates have accrued, and I just don't know where to start.

We'll start with the biggest change... my last night at 365 was June 14, and quite frankly it was not an easy exit. =( 365 was one of the best things ever. Working with the students and staff was something that I will hold onto until I die. I learned a massive amount while I was there and all of the glory is due to God and the vessels he flowed through. All of those who were in leadership are among God's people. I still miss being there Monday nights & meeting with G.W.P. It was weird going home after work today. I drove by and noticed all the cars at church. 365 you will be missed!

Now you may be asking, "If it was so hard for her there must have been a pretty intense reason why she left!" And that is a great question! I knew my season was ending at 365 & Pathway, but it was confirmed one Sunday at Radiant Life where I knew that I needed to put my complete focus on God. I knew that there was a new season beginning and that if I didn't devote my complete attention to my Lord I would regret it for the rest of my life. I continuously reminded myself that I didn't want to stand in front of Jesus and have to tell him that when I was given an opportunity to be more intimate with him I turned it down. No way, no how!

Recently though, this week I had quite the awakening! I was completely certain that this time was solely focused on growing in intimacy with God, but my God is good that he made even better than that. He showed me that these next few weeks was a time for rest & relaxation. Considering that I am about to embark on a completely different lifestyle he knew that I would need to take a little break. I hate thinking about ministry opportunities as a drainer in my life, but we need to be refilling on a regular basis. Sometimes God really wants to pour out a fresh anointing, vision, what have you before you embark on a new thing.

I am now going to church with my family, and let me tell you I will never take it for granted again! It means so much to me to go to church with family and to worship with my mom & dad. It has been since eighth grade since I've had that grand opportunity. Seeing what God has done in my parents' lives amazes me. Never underestimate God's power!

Well that's all for now! =)
P.S.: I leave in 45 days for Minneapolis!!

stress to the max & a little energization

This week is intensely busy. It is shut down week & so much to do. There's been a few ups and downs, but I know all will work out in the end. I am actually very please with the way the Games Room looks although, I am very exhausted.

Tonight after work, some co-workers and I went to this wonderful restaurant called Villa Macri. It is like a get-away in town. While eating my delicious Caesar Salad, bread w/seasoned olive oil and Asiago Linguine, Alligator Blackbird playing in the background I was in complete bliss. The environment at this get-away was addictive. So relaxed and wonderful. I felt extremely happy. The company made the evening even better. 3 wonderful woman. It was wonderful. Thank you Jesus.

Next week is housesitting, pumped about that. It is a good thing that I am going to be in Middlebury the first week of the Summer Program. I will be close and be less exhausted. I can leave at the end of the day without the fear of "home."

Molly and I are going to start walking after work during the summer, make wonderful memories! Molly is just so wonderful. I know that God has brought us together as friends for more than one specific reason. I just love that girl.

Now, off to bed. I'm getting up quite early tomorrow/today so better get a move on. =)

pondering

This week has been one of the absolute worst weeks ever... shall I tell you this long tale?

Well, it began on Tuesday early morning. It began with trainings... normally trainings will leave you feeling encouraged & skilled at a higher level in your position. I left feeling depressed & quite the same I was when I entered. Quite frustrating. irritating, and a total waste of my time.

That morning I also found out that my wonderful boss had her baby. New life is such a beautiful thing. I know that I will be so happy while I am pregnant (after being married of course) that I will cry the whole time. Having life within you is a huge thing to me. I know that if we are following Christ he lives within us, but having a child inside of you, that you helped create is unexplainable to me. Along with little Noah being born means Cristina will be on her maternity leave and we will be without the woman who hold so much information in her head that we don't always know about. Cristina is plainly amazing and is so smart. It is hard to fully understand what hole a person fills until they are no longer there to fill it. Needless to say, I miss Cristina.

Well, after our worthless trainings I was in a huge need of a coffee. All of your joy is swept away & you need a fake replacement. Hit me up caffeine. Got an iced hazelnut coffee from McDonalds. Didn't really help matters. Anything that could go wrong basically did. It went from a 4th grade boy slapping & stepping on 1 grade girls to two 3rd grade boys getting into a real physical fight to biting and the list could go on! It was then that my mind went numb and could no longer think, feel, or display joy. I ended up making it through the day and reloaded with a dear friend.

Wednesday rolls around and it was somewhat worse or an addition to Tuesday. Everything seemed to have went wrong. I had nothing left to give. I was EMPTY. And yet I still had Girls Who P.U.S.H. small group that I didn't end up going to. It was a horrible week. Thursday brought on some positivity with the End of School Year party and all, but the big refiller came during a video on the internet. It was telling me about the healing services/revival that is going on at the IHOP in Missouri. At the end of the video they prayed for people watching the video and I honestly had an encounter with the Holy Spirit. Just what I needed. He filled me up. I believe that I had a great day because of that very moment.

Everything in my life needs to decrease and the Lord needs to increase more and more. I am in such a need for Christ in my life and I know that I cannot survive without him. I am such a dweeb sometimes because I get so busy with everything else that I leave my heart's needs on the side. All I can say is I am at the point where I CANNOT wait for the fall. I know what is ahead of me and I want to be there now. My relationship with the Lord is going to be at a different place, intimate. Take me there.

(Link to the IHOP video:
http://cmp.ihop.tv/3single.php?pid=XeKz___RkKAa76mknmB8_FX4opXQQgpN)

Reflection

The current standing of my life could be defined in a few words: busy, planning, endings. Time is quickly winding down to the close of this chapter in my life, and as I sit and ponder about these past three years I am constantly reminded of God's faithfulness.

"If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
If we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
If we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself."
-2 Timothy 2:11-13

By reflecting I remember some of the darkest & brightest times of my life. From harsh, cruel, & afraid to determined, steadfast, & example, no words can truly explain how deep & wide this chapter of my life has been.

I have learned so much in the area of servanthood, one thing being that it is a LIFE-LONG PROCESS!! Servanthood is something I will always be striving to be better at, but I know that it is worth the fight. Living life as a servant to the most high King is the ultimate role we were created for. It should be the core of who we are because all we do should be in service to God. My heart is so soft to the heart of Christ. Remembering his sacrifice & how we can so selfishly live our lives in the complete absence of the one who knows all there is to know about us. I find myself doing it all the time. And I am constantly drawn to the question: WHY MUST WE HAVE A FLESH! Or perhaps it really isn't a question at all, but rather an exclamation of frustration.

In the midst of this season of servanthood, I have found myself knowing God in a new way. A way that I had never known him before. Umm... knowing God as agape, unconditional love. I feel silly writing about agape because I am still working through it, but God has shown me how he loves me and I see how we need to do this for others. I've seen the importance of living a life with zero reservations, nothing (not an agenda, a time frame, or selfish desires) keeping you from giving what you have to another. Whether it be your time, prayer, or honesty.. its about giving it. We can hold onto what ever "it" may be, but what good is it doing for anyone besides ourselves? Living life on call... still trying to figure out the balance.

This next season of my life is going to be a switch from what I have been doing. I am very excited, but nervous. It is a drastic change, but I know it is what God desires.

I want to be able to stand
in front of Him one day
and say...
"Yes Lord, I did all I could to know you more. "